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When a Partner Cheats

Marriages fall apart for many different reasons, but one of the most common and most challenging to overcome is the discovery that one partner has “cheated” on the other. I put the word cheated in quotes because the definition of infidelity can vary widely among and within couples. Though most often it involves explicit sexual acts with someone other than one’s spouse or committed partner, there are also couples torn asunder by a partner’s surreptitious use of pornography, a purely emotional relationship with no sexual contact, virtual affairs, even just ogling or flirting with a nonpartner.

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Featured

 How to Handle Being Cheated On

Being cheated on is one of the most heart-wrenching things a person can go through. Not only has your heart been trampled, but trust in your partner and sense of safety has also been decimated. It’s common for feelings of pain and inadequacy to linger for years.

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It's not going to be easy—but it IS possible.

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Articles of Interest

Opinion Is Cheating Always a Bad Thing?

It’s been a long time since I’ve made a mistake. Spelling errors, sure. Overspending, maybe. Ghosting friends for a week, absolutely. But real mistakes? Tangible, potentially life-altering mistakes? None. Not since I was 21 and I quit a degree in veterinary medicine to move to New York with a thousand dollars in the bank.

What Actually Counts As Cheating?

An exploration into the many definitions of infidelity.

Why Do People Cheat?

It’s easy to condemn Carrie Bradshaw for sneaking around with Big behind Aidan’s back on Season 3 of Sex and the City (Carrie, girl, I get it…Aidan was boring!), but the issue of cheating in actual, non-televised relationships can be a lot harder to parse. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and most of us don’t want to cheat—but it happens, and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

Why some relationships can recover from cheating (and others can't)

Infidelity is the topic du jour after binge-watching Netflix's Cheat: Unfinished Business.

A brief art history of adultery

A stolen glance across a crowded room, a shadowy figure slipping through a doorway, a lover hidden behind a curtain – adultery has long been a drama of secrecy. From Renaissance masterpieces to tabloid snapshots, the act of romantic betrayal has not only shaped personal lives but also left its mark on art history. Painters across the centuries have turned this most intimate of transgressions into art, inviting viewers to become voyeurs of passion, guilt and desire.

Back to Happily Ever After

There are few moments more painful than the disclosure of an extramarital affair, an event that provokes stress and anger in both the betrayer and betrayed. What each spouse does and says in the aftermath will reverberate a long time.

Can Infidelity Make A Relationship Better?

About 40 percent of marriages are rocked by affairs, according to a new book, but no one wants to admit it. Psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman shares some hard truths and common misconceptions about infidelity in his new book The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity.

Cheaters use cognitive tricks to feel good about themselves

Most people believe that they are moral and good. They also believe cheating on a partner is wrong. So how do cheaters live with themselves after their infidelity? Understanding how they reconcile their indiscretions with their beliefs about themselves can help us figure out why “good people” cheat.

Cheating is more society’s problem than an affair of the heart

When it comes to love, cheating and divorce, matters are never just of the heart. In a bid to understand the love lives of humans, scientists have turned to the romantic relations of birds since the family life of many birds is reminiscent of those exhibited by humans. Most birds – like humans – have elaborated courtship to win the heart of the opposite sex and also live in families with, more often than not, both the male and the female rearing their young together.

I feel guilty for having an emotional affair. How do I continue in my long-term relationship?

You don’t have to run screaming from this experience, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Focus instead on how you’ll handle the attraction from here.

Infidelity Lurks in Your Genes

We are accustomed to thinking of sexual infidelity as a symptom of an unhappy relationship, a moral flaw or a sign of deteriorating social values. When I was trained as a psychiatrist we were told to look for various emotional and developmental factors — like a history of unstable relationships or a philandering parent — to explain infidelity. But during my career, many of the questions we asked patients were found to be insufficient because for so much behavior, it turns out that genes, gene expression and hormones matter a lot.

Infidelity: Break Up Or Make Up?

There's a couple comments that I just wanted to make. One is that when people choose to have affairs, it often is a complicated decision. It's not just based on emotional needs. It's also based on things like opportunity, and the inability to suppress your impulse, which is what Tina's working on these days. You know, it might have been impulse, an urge - or what we call disinhibition. But she's not letting herself give in to that. I think the other thing is, it's not as exciting to be with the same person every single day.

Is Cheating Just a Symptom (and Not the Cause) of Declining Relationships?

In a recent study published in Psychological Science, researchers found that relationship functioning starts to decline before infidelity happens and that, in most cases, well-being did not recover in the years following the infidelity.

Is your relationship at risk for infidelity?

Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or partner. It is clear from historical accounts that it’s something that people have done for centuries – most likely ever since one person started committing to another. But that does not make it any less devastating and shocking with an immense negative impact on people’s mental health. Infidelity causes intense anger and ongoing distress, not only for those directly involved but also for those around them, especially if there are children.

Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences

Love is commonly a source of much pleasure and fulfillment. However, as this review points out, it can also cause stress, heartache and may even be traumatic in some circumstances. Infidelity, which is relatively common in Western culture, can damage a loving, romantic relationship to the point of its demise. However, by highlighting this phenomenon, its causes and its consequences, we hope to provide useful insight for both researchers and clinicians who may be assisting couples facing these issues.

Micro-Cheating Could Be Ruining Your Relationship. Here’s What to Do About It

Infidelity is everywhere: Studies have shown that around 23% of married men and 12% of married women have at some point had sex with someone other than their spouse. But while something like extramarital sex is easy to define, the general concept of cheating is far more nuanced.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Busting 3 common myths about infidelity

From an outsider’s perspective, dealing with a cheating partner might seem obvious: cut your losses and run. But Talal Alsaleem, who has helped hundreds of couples work through their infidelity in his 17 years as a clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family counselor, says couples should do the opposite. First, they should turn toward each other. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgiving the wrongdoing, he says – it just means facing the problem head-on.

Sometimes Cheating Can Make a Relationship Stronger

Infidelity used to be so simple: You slept with someone who wasn’t your partner. You get caught, the shit hits the fan, and you probably split up. But now? “The definition of infidelity keeps expanding,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and relationship expert. “Today we can now add to the mix watching porn, a massage with a happy ending, the chat room, being secretly active on a dating app. Where do we draw the line?”

The Secret Shame of Infidelity: What Happens When You Stay

"I never thought I'd be the kind of person who stays with a cheater." As a therapist who specializes in couples and relationship problems, I hear this all the time from clients who have been cheated on and then decide to stay in the relationship. It's a telling statement because what exactly do we think this "kind of person" is? A doormat? Someone with zero self-esteem?

The stress of cheating on my wife is making me ill – but I can no longer suppress who I am

I love her and my children, but have fallen for another man. What can I do? I’m now suffering from gastrointestinal problems and using alcohol to get to sleep.

What the evolution of jealousy tells us about online infidelity

It is estimated that by 2020, 2.95 billion people will be using social networks. But while sites like Facebook revolve around the wholesome concepts of friends, likes and shares, they have also become a way for people to cheat on their partners. The problem is so rife, it seems, that suspicious partners are breaking into their other half’s social accounts to find out if they are cheating. One survey of 2,400 UK adults who had cheated or been cheated on found that infidelity in 23% of relationships was exposed when Facebook was checked for evidence.

Why Cheating Feels So Good

There are a lot of things that are wrong yet feel so right. Cheating, for some people, is one of them. And researchers are trying to figure out why.

Why Women Are Having More Affairs Than Ever Before

It’s official: the infidelity gap has closed, with women now cheating on their partners at the same rate as men. But the reasons behind the transgressions are completely different.

Resources

7 Things I've Learned From Friends Who've Cheated

When you have siblings, you learn quickly what not to do when they do something that enrages Mom and Dad and earns them an eternal grounding. Some things are just best viewed through the eyes of other people—and that's true when it comes to cheating. I've had a few friends who've strayed from their relationships and into someone else's arms, and watching the fallout has taught me a few things I'm glad I won't be learning for myself.

9 Ways to Rehabilitate a Cheater

A cheater can be rehabilitated, but a number of the following things must happen to spark the change.